Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Thief (A story I wrote around 1985)
Thief
Post script: I wrote this story in Bob Bauch’s creative The story survived well and I didn’t have to make too many changes. This story really doesn’t have any heroes even thought I think
The
room Rudholf “Ruddy” Tenner entered was cluttered and had
books, clothing and dirty dishes scattered on the couch, chairs and TV.
It was his living room and he really didn’t care how it looked;
he thought it looked “lived in”. He went into the kitchen
and ignoring the stack of moldy dishes in the sink, grabbed a glass
from the drip rack. With a little maneuvering, he managed to fill the
glass from the tap without getting too much gunk on it from the dished.
Then, he walked over to the kitchen table and sat down on the newspaper
covered chair. There was a pleasant breeze coming in through the open
kitchen window.
It had been a bitch of a day.
He
had business to transact that night and hadn’t concentrated on
his job. They had received a new batch of Pre-Columbian relics and his
normal lush at handling them and cataloging them was gone. Also, his
boss had been snide about his “unkempt appearance”. What a
bitch.
Ruddy
went into his bedroom and carefully removed some piled up dirty
clothing from the floor. There, nestled in the mess, was a
Cloisonné Vase and a very fine carved Jade Bowl. Both were
recent “acquisions” and he had fallen in love with them. A
very fine enamel had been used on the Cloisonné vase and it had
gold were instead of copper. The color of the Jade Jar warmed his heart
and he loved to make up stories in his head about the people carved on
it. He picked up the Jade Bowl and carried it with him to the kitchen
and dialed the phone.
"Hey, this is Ruddy. Let me talk to Larry.,”
"Ruddy? Larry. Que pas?”
"Finest
fucking kind! Hey, I got something you’ll like to see! Can you
come over tonight?”
"Yeah,
sure, about midnight. Got to see some people. I’ve been waiting
for you to ‘invite me over’, Rudy.”
It’ll be a real nice visit, Larry.”
Ruddy thought "that asshole" as he hung up the phone.
Then,
he looked at the Jade Bowl and smiled, smiled in delight at it.
Ruddy
carried the bowl back to his bedroom and carefully hid it under the
pile of dirty clothing. It was about time to invite his girl friend
over to visit. She was always so damn efficient at doing his laundry
and dishes and generally cleaning up his pad.
He
took off his shirt and sniffed his armpits. Not bad, he had showered
two or three days before and didn't need another one, yet. He took a "Marine Shower" (underarm deodorant only) and then put on a shirt he'd worn a couple of days earlier that wasn't too smelly.
After
a balanced meal of canned spaghetti and a diet coke-and-rum, he went to
visit his good buddy, George.
George's
place was on the fifth floor, three floors below Ruddy's. The decor was
vastly different: the rooms were clean, tidy and everything was
carefully arranged in it’s place. ruddy thought it didn’t
look lived din.
Ruddy
helped himself to a beer and ignored the samples of other things that
were George's stock in trade. Ruddy just couldn’t understand why
anyone would use them.
George
took a beer and sat down at the kitchen table in the breeze from the
open window. He liked being upwind from Ruddy.
"Spaces or blackjack", George inquired.
"Spades."
George
dealt the first hand and Ruddy bid low. Both men made their bids.,
"How you been doing, Ruddy?"
"Pretty
good! I got some good stuff in at work. Old Pre-Columbian stuff;
artifacts about a thousand years old. I'd really like to own it!"
"Maybe you will, some day."
"Nope,
the security is too tight. Besides I think my boss is figuring I'd
steal it. That really burns my ass!"
"Why do you think she suspect you of anything?"
"She
said to 'be sure and lock everything up good. There have e been a lot
of thefts lately and I don't trust the cleaning staff,' She means she
don't trust me!"
"The
paper said that a couple of dudes on the museum’s cleaning staff
were arraigned for theft. She probably wasn't accusing you of anything."
"I don’t know about that, man. I just don't know."
"Your
deal. You've been pretty suspicious lately, man. If you keep being that
way, it can give you ulcers and ruin your life."
"You're
no one to talk. What would the cops sway about eh stuff you sell? It
isn’t legal that I know of!"
"I know
my customers and who I buy from. There is no reason for me to get
unduly upset."
Ruddy
grunted. "Well, you be careful. I hear you got audited?"
"Almost."
George, who owned a small print sop, smiled slightly. "The IRS auditor
hinted he wanted some free printing one so I 'ran off a sample' to show
him the quality of my work. He got his printing done free and marked my
case file 'Closed'. I can do business with him."
"I hear that they check out the friends of people they audit."
Ruddy
started thinking of what the Infernal Raping Sadists would find if they
audited him good.
"Not
likely. You got anything good lately? How’s your lady been doing
lately?"
"She’s
the evening bartender now at the Oregon Museum and doesn't have to
hustle the customers anymore. Besides, I 'acquired' a really nice Jade
Bowl the other day. I was out looking around when I found someone who
was displaying a very nice Cloisonné vase and this fantastic
Jade Vase. I let himself in and took both of them. Come on up and I'll
show you the vase. I'm going to be offloading the vase tonight but I'll
be keeping the jar."
"Something
I've never bothered asking you, Ruddy. Do you ever feel any guilt about
robbing folks?"
Nope.
Their insurance company pays them off and everyone know that insurance
companies have been robbing the people for years now and anyway. Bout
time they got took a little!"
Both
men took time to concentrate on their hands and made their bids. Ruddy
was over bidding; the score was George 210, Ruddy 185 and Ruddy wanted
to catch up quick.
Ruddy barely made his bid and George did quite well.
Ruddy
was a showy player and kept hitting on 18 and under, took five card
splits like they were manna from heaven and generally acted like George
couldn’t remember which cards had been dealt. Stupid mistake.
Finally,
George started playing really dumb on a few hand and Ruddy won a few
bucks back.
About
10:30, there was a knock on the door and it was the 55-year old woman
they called “Prune face”. She looked in for a second, then
spoke:
"There you are! I’ve b been looking all over for you. You’re a hand one to find!”
"Great,”
Ruddy thought, “the one person I really don’t like to see
and she says she looked all over. “Everybody here knows I hand
around with George.”
"I
wasn’t sure you weren’t out with that ‘laadee’
- what’s her name, by the way?”
"DebbySue.”
"I was
just upstairs walking around the room before getting my ‘beauty
rest’.” George made a polite noise of encouragement.
“ And I saw something really strange.”
Ruddy
thought “this is the same ding bat who thought Venus was a flying
teacup”,.
"What
was that>“ Ruddy tried so hard to sound interested that George
winced but “Prune Face” didn’t notice any of this.
"There
was a rope tied around the base of a TV antenna and it was dangling
over the side of the building. My Herby (her husband) says it went in
front of Mrs. Tailor’s apartment, those I-tal-yons and your
apartment. We was wondering if any of you was robbed?”
"Prune
face” had a look of delight as she contemplated bad fortune
visiting someone else.
"Oh,
shit!” Ruddy paused in panic for a second. “My
collection!”
As
Ruddy ran off, he heard George cover for him by saying that Ruddy had a
very nice record collection. “Prune face” replied with an
understanding “oooh”.
About
35 seconds later, Ruddy was at his apartment door, which was a jar. He
walked in and noticed the room was even more cluttered than usual. It
was so bad that even Ruddy was shocked.
In
a panic, he ran for the pile of dirty clothing that hid his treasures.
The Jade Jar was gone and the Cloisonné vase was damaged. There
was a large chunk of enamel lying on the floor near it and some of the
gold wire was torn and bent. The value of the piece had gone down
considerably.
What really hurt was the Jade Jar getting stolen. He had planned on making it a “Private Piece”.
How
the hell could he have been ripped off? That shit George must have set
him up! Ruddy felt like killing George. Then he realized that George
hadn’t called anyone and couldn’t have set him up. He
almost felt guilty about accusing George; but only almost. Then, he
finally thought of “Good Ol’ Larry”.
Everybody’s’ friend, especially if you owed him a couple of
thousand.
Ruddy
sat on the floor and cradled the broken Cloisonné piece on his
lap and wished it whole again., The piece remained broken. Then, he put
it carefully down on some underwear and went over to where he’d
hidden his thief’s tools and decided he’d better go out and
“collect” some more stuff. But he decided not to because
every job he’d pulled off had been carefully set up ahead of time.
Finally,
he sat down in a kitchen chair and made himself a drink. Rum and
diet-coke, no rock and hold the fucking soft drink.! He didn’t
appreciate the irony of having been robbed and not being able to call
the cops or his insurance company.
At
exactly midnight, Larry knocked lightly on Ruddy’s door and
walked in. Larry’s favorite “collector” remained
outside.
"Hi ya,
Ruddy. Redecorating, I see” Larry looked with amusement at the
trashed out apartment.
"I fucking got robbed, Larry! It really burns me.”
"That’s
too bad. Lose anything valuable?” Ruddy completely missed the
irony in Larry’s voice and the situation.
"What you got to show me?”
Mutely, Ruddy carried out the Cloisonné vase.
"Don’t look like it’s worth much to me.”
"Larry,
that was worth about 15 grand b before the asshole thief kicked it
around. Now, it’s worth about 9 grand.”
:I
tell you what, Ruddy,. I’ll give you two thousand for it since
we’re old friends. But you still owe me another $200 on your
bets. What more do you have?”
"Nothing
now. You know damn well that’s worth more than two grand. If you
don’t like it, I’ll go visit Ama Wolker who’ll give
me more than that!”
Ruddy
didn’t mention that Worker was the man he had ripped off.
Fortunately, he knew Larry never dealt with Wonker for some
reason.”
"Well”, Larry sighed, “I really do want to conclude this deal tonight. I tell you what, we’ll just call you bet paid off. Ok?”
"It’s worth more than that , Larry. How can I play the ponies anymore if I don’t any money? Five grand.”
Getting
pushy with Larry was giving Ruddy a real case of heartburn but what the
hell? If he didn’t, Larry would really nail him the next time.
"Tell
you what, we make it three grand, wipe out your debt and you get eight
hundred left over to play with.”
"Deal.”
Larry
handed over the $8000 and cradled the vase in his hands. There was a
look of delighted greed oh his face.
"You
interested in a little bet on tomorrow’s races? I hear that
‘Two Eagles’ in the fifth is a real good bet. Want to put a
thousand or so on it? I know you’re good for credit.”
Ruddy
opened his mouth, then paused, then looked at his feet. Larry had used
this pitch on him before. The first bet had been good, the second not
so good and the third had gotten him into this mess.
Could
Larry have known about the Jade Jar. As he glanced up, Larry tried
hiding a gloating look and Ruddy knew who had taken his Jade Jar and
who had robbed him.
"I’ll
put five hundred on him. Can’t afford any more, I’m taking
my old lady on vacation.”
"You’ll
b e back for more. It’s in your blood. I’ll either collect
or pay off tomorrow. Ok?”
"Ruddy
handed over five of the hundred dollar bills he’d been given.
Larry had a habit of charging interest when he collected bets lately.
Besides, Larry’s favorite “collector” had come in and
was leaning against a wall. This man could have scared the crap out of
a polar bear.
He walked him out of his door.
When
Larry and his animal left, Ruddy walked back into his trashed apartment
and was appalled again at the mess. He began making piles of stuff with
the intention of putting everything away. He just ended up clearing
pathways through the apartment.
He
walked into the kitchen, carefully removed the dirty dishes, filled the
sink with soapy water and put the dirty dished in to soak.
Then,
feeling soiled, he sorted the dirty clothing into heaps, whose size
shocked him, on the floor. Then, he took off his clothing and took a
real shower. As he dripped off, he called DebbieSue.
"Dear
heart, it’s me, Ruddy. Come on over for dinner day after
tomorrow, OK? I haven’t seen you in a couple of days.”
"Sure, Ruddy but why not tonight?”
"I’m
doing some house cleaning, tonight. I’ll do the cooking.”
Ruddy
wondered why she sighed first happily and then with a little despair.
His cooking wasn’t that bad.
"Well, I’ve got to go to bed. By, dear heart.”
George knocked on the door and walked in.
"Damn, what a mess!”
"Yeah, no shit man. Shut the door, will ya?”
Ruddy was wearing a towel around his waist
"I’m
going to clean up tonight after work. I think Larry ripped me off. The
Jade Jar was the only thing stolen and the Cloisonné Vase was
damaged. Larry gave me a real damn low piece for it and I know it can
be repaired. That Mother Fucker is the only one I told besides you
about this stuff. You didn’t do it so I know Larry did. Besides,
he looked like he was gloating at me.”
George
looked relieved at being off the suspect list but not too surprised to
have been on it.
"I’ll help you clean up, tonight, Ruddy.”
"Thanks.”
"Well,
got to go to bed. I’m expecting some supplies in tomorrow
morning, real early.”
With
that, George left. Then, Ruddy shut the open window that had been his
weak spot. As he locked the three locks on his door and put on both
anti-intruder chains, Ruddy wondered if George’s supplies were
illegal or concerned with his printing business. He decided he probably
didn’t want to know.
Almost
on a whim, Ruddy got out a clean pair of slacks and a shirt that was
part of his “dress up” clothing and put them aside for work
that morning.
Then,
he went to bed. His last thoughts were about how he had finally decided
to reform himself and how he’d permanently changed. He forgot
about the other times he had “reformed”.
Maybe this time he would...
writing class in Northern Virginia around 1985. I lost my only copy
till early 2007 and tried typing it in. I didn’t have the
patience to type the story in until today (Tuesday 18 March 2008).
Ruddy might be capable of saving himself. George isn’t really a
criminal, he just sells illegal drugs. Larry is a true scum bag and
definitely the villain of this piece. DebbieSue is a fine person who
sees something in Ruddy.
